Depth & Insight

Many people live with two faces, one is put up to show the world how happy they are and the other is the real one hidden and rarely acknowledged, preserved for private moments. Your real life is far from perfect but you like painting a colorful, happy existence that you can proudly show off to strangers you meet walking down the street, friends on Facebook, colleagues at your workplace and so on. People feel a desire to deceive others into thinking they live the perfect life denying the fact that it is only the seeming of a life. We live outwardly, we want to seem great, which results in short-term satisfaction and long-term frustration. Problem is that you can't wear a mask forever, for the inadequacies of your real life begin to show more and more and finally you'll find impossible to pretend everything is right. We are so ready to make a complete mess out of our lives by putting our energy into pretense instead of working hard to change what is not right.

Have you been there?

Technology got the better of us if you want to hear the truth. Somehow it became more important to capture and share all minute details of everyday life than to live in those moments enjoying them to the fullest. Excuse my sarcasm, but our motto could be something like “if you never post it, it never happened” — this is the way of thinking in modern life. Bad, isn't it? We live our days without ever really being there in the moment because we focus on taking photos of those moments so that we can show our friends in social media how happy we are. We want more and more likes to feel loved and accepted, we want to feel special and popular which is easier online than offline. Thus whatever we do our mind is always on documenting the activity and saving it for social media share which means our attention is at least half diverted. We never really experience things fully because we are never really there.

Feel the sensations of the moment

How can you take a selfie while kissing for instance? If you are happy with that kiss, how can you ever think of taking a photo while doing it? If you are in love, you just can't focus on the likes you will get for that photo from the people who are (more or less) honestly happy for you. Most people never cares if you are happy. Your whole being should be filled with the sensation of the moment, the vibrations that kiss gives you, the thrill that runs through you. Instead you want to prove how happy you are by taking a photo. Now just ask yourself: What if people won't see how you kissed? What if people won't see your happiness? Most people will never see your struggles and darkest thoughts either. It's okay. You should not do things because of them. Your life is not a public show for everyone to see. If you focus on making a display of everything you do all the time, then you live for them, you do things for them. You should do everything for yourself.

However, no problem to write a few lines about it after you went through an experience. After you received all the happiness you could by that kiss, it is no problem to tell those who really care. Afterwards it might occur to you to tell. No sooner. And you might want to take some photos, too. Not to share them on social media, but for your own use. It might be nice to look at those pics sometimes and relive the moment. It might be nice to show them to those who really want to be part of your life. Not to everyone and not publicly, though. And those photos don't have to be perfect. You might lose precious moments of an experience focusing on the best way to take that picture. What if the photo is not perfect? It matters not. Living fully and being in the moment is more important. Or should be.

It does not take long

The happiness you get from virtuality is short-lived and shallow, leaving you with a feeling of dissatisfaction, because you want more. It works the same way as drugs. Somehow we separated ourselves from everything that is natural, building a fake world that seems more satisfying than reality. We want to hide the truth behind that bright surface. How can you truly believe that anyone's life can be changed by just a few clicks? How can you believe that looking good in social media makes you good in real life? How can you believe that showing off your happiness makes you happy? Technology is only a tool, no more. It is very useful when someone we love lives far away from us, enabling us to keep in touch, be part of their lives. It is handy when we need information, too. Technology is a blessing if you use it for the right purposes, helping yourself to a happier and fuller life in reality. A life that is not displaced by virtuality.

Why do we need to seem perfect?

We lie to ourselves often and happiness derived not from living our real life but existing virtually is the biggest lie we ever told. Why do we need that lie? Obviously, we need it because we want to please. Deep inside there's something that forces us to do whatever is approved by others so that we are accepted. We want the world to believe that we live the perfect life, everything in order, everything going right. We are terribly afraid to show our imperfections. We feel that we must be the perfect worker, the perfect spouse, the perfect parent, the perfect everything. We need others to think that we are happy. We need them to think that we are useful and well-grounded in life. We never ask ourselves if we are truly happy. We never think how to please our own soul and heart. We don't realize that people who really matter are few and such that they never ask that we please them.

What do you truly want?

The truth is that we are not satisfied with the amount of love and attention we get in real life. Everybody wants approval, praise, kindness, etc. We want to feel that we are important to others. People who can't get what they need in reality start to seek it in a virtual existence. You might not feel worthy and loved so you go for a few hundred likes to fill the void in your heart. Perhaps you feel good about yourself for a few hours afterwards. However, the happiness caused by virtual love quickly expires and you are left drained and dissatisfied, desiring even more likes so that you can feel, not happy this time, but some joy at all. You need more and more likes to feel okay, never realizing that it is not the likes that you truly want. You want them as a substitute for true love.

What makes you so desperate to escape reality?

We all carry burdens that we hope to put down. For a while we seem to succeed in that, but then, they return with extra force, because they have to teach us something that we are reluctant to learn. Some people hate their jobs. Others hate their partners. There are people who hate their whole lives even. However, making the necessary changes so that we can be happier seems too hard so we do everything we can to escape reality. These days not only books and movies offer the opportunity to turn our back on our lives, but the virtual world that social media offers enables us to create a new life. This is easy and simple. When reality gets too harsh we are tempted to escape into virtuality, a world where we can be at least seemingly perfect. Of course you know it is a lie. You must face that fact each time you fall back into the everyday routine of your real life. Yet, you can't wait to get back to the virtual world so that you can forget what your real life looks like.

Not so hard to return

It doesn't have to be that way. Knowing the root of your fears enables you to change your life. That is if you are willing. You can manage and use technology in the proper way so your life becomes a beautiful living thing instead of a shadow. When you no longer call 'life' something that is only a tool you get motivated to turn your attention inward. You don't fall into the trap of focusing on what others think instead of what you truly want. You don't compare yourself to others all the time. If you want to be truly happy, enjoy the moment heartily and gratefully.

“Men who pursue a multitude of women fit neatly into two categories. Some seek their own subjective and unchanging dream of a woman in all women. Others are prompted by a desire to possess the endless variety of the objective female world.

The obsession of the former is lyrical: what they seek in women is themselves, their ideal, and since an ideal is by definition something that can never be found, they are disappointed again and again. The disappointment that propels them from woman to woman gives their inconstancy a kind of romantic excuse, so that many sentimental women are touched by their unbridled philandering.

The obsession of the latter is epic, and women see nothing the least bit touching in it: the man projects no subjective ideal on women, and since everything interests him, nothing can disappoint him. This inability to be disappointed has something scandalous about it. The obsession of the epic womanizer strikes people as lacking in redemption (redemption by disappointment).

Because the lyrical womanizer always runs after the same type of woman, we even fail to notice when he exchanges one mistress for another. His friends perpetually cause misunderstandings by mixing up his lovers and calling them by the same name.

In pursuit of knowledge, epic womanizers (and of course Tomas belonged in their ranks) turn away from conventional feminine beauty, of which they quickly tire, and inevitably end up as curiosity collectors. They are aware of this and a little ashamed of it, and to avoid causing their friends embarrassment, they refrain from appearing in public with their mistresses. ...

Of each erotic experience his memory recorded only the steep and narrow path of sexual conquest: the first piece of verbal aggression, the first touch, the first obscenity he said to her and she to him, the minor perversions he could make her acquiesce in and the ones she held out against. All else he excluded (almost pedantically) from his memory. He even forgot where he had first seen one or another woman, if that event occurred before his sexual offensive began.

The young woman smiled dreamily as she went on about the storm, and he looked at her in amazement and something akin to shame: she had experienced something beautiful, and he had failed to experience it with her. The two ways in which their memories reacted to the evening storm sharply delimit love and nonlove.

By the word nonlove I do not wish to imply that he took a cynical attitude to the young woman, that, as present-day parlance has it, he looked upon her as a sex object; on the contrary, he was quite fond of her, valued her character and intelligence, and was willing to come to her aid if ever she needed him. He was not the one who behaved shamefully towards her; it was his memory, for it was his memory that, unbeknown to him, had excluded her from the sphere of love.

The brain appears to possess a special area which we might call poetic memory and which records everything that charms or touches us, that makes our lives beautiful. ... Love begins with a metaphor. Which is to say, love begins at the point when a woman enters her first word into our poetic memory.”

— Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Do you feel lost sometimes? If you are a woman of depth and feeling, you probably have to face the fact that you are different from most of the people around you. You hate small talk because you want to go deep every time you have a conversation. You ask questions that never occurred to other people, calling their attention to things that they perhaps chose not to see because they are afraid of them. You always tell the truth, even if the person concerned is not happy to hear it. This quality of yours is responsible for driving men away from you. Men often choose not to have anything to do with you because you know what you want, show your feelings and tell them what you need.

You meet very few men of the same depth and feeling that you have which results in long years of single life. You fall in love very rarely. The men you meet don't want such depth as yours in their relationships, they just want some amusement, they reject responsibilities. That's why you choose not to waste your time on them. Relationships that lack depth and long conversations make you unhappy. Men who refuse to open up make you unhappy. You want to dive into his soul, his thoughts, his past, his personality. You want to know more about him, you want to understand him, wishing he could understand you. You want to connect to him on a deeper level, you want intimacy. If you can't find a man who is your match you rather stay single. Being single is better for you than toiling along in a bad relationship.

Enjoying yourself is not enough for you. You want more. You want meaning. If you find a man who seems the one that can make you happy, you are not afraid to take steps toward him. You do everything in your power to please him. Yet, you are shocked to see he is retreating, he is frightened, he does not want what you have to offer. A lot of men are afraid of women who show their feelings, tell their thoughts and have intense emotions. Love is not a game for you. You put your whole self in the relationship and expect the man to do the same. You do this despite the fact that you see his faults and flaws very clearly. You understand his struggles, you perceive what is going on inside his soul. You find it natural that you have that skill. Men, however, find it weird. Men are not used to women who are like that. Men are afraid of women who are like that. He is afraid that you want his soul.

He knows you take him seriously. He knows you will never play with his feelings. He does not really understand who and what you are, because he never met women of that sort. He thinks you have ideas and insights almost like men do. But the strangest of all is your capacity of having those intense emotions that go so deep, invading heart and body. He knows you want real attachment and intimacy. You seek a soul mate in him. You can't enjoy a relationship without deep sentiments, your soul is like burning fire. You are a bit too eager and seeing his hesitation you feel hurt, turned down, rejected. You realize he does not know what he wants and that makes you think he does not want you at all. You surmise you are not important to him. This makes you feel bad for you take it as an offense. You feel hurt because you can't be happy with a cold man who is emotionally unavailable. You don’t want a man who built a wall around his heart for protection. You need to feel his love and attachment without which you find the relationship is mere vegetation. Men, however, at least most of them, feel this is something too serious. Something that implies duty and responsibility. Not all of them is capable of understanding your soul so you must be patient when seeking the man who is your match. He is a thoughtful being with just as deep feelings as you have. He needs you just as much as you need him. Meeting a woman like you will be a great surprise for him — it might be that he already decided women are all shallow. You'll be a surprise to him and he'll be a surprise to you. Just wait for your time, dear.

Sometimes we are so much in love with an idealized image of someone that we cannot see the real person at all. We are very slow to realize that he is playing with us, feeding our hopes but realizing nothing of our expectations. It is pretty tough to discover that the image you created of him is fake for you fell into the trap of self-delusion. Of course he acts like he needs you, but he keeps you at a distance all along, making excuses like he is too busy to go out with you, etc. Is that true? Can it be? It makes you pretty mad when you realize that he keeps rejecting you but has time for others. This happens when a man does not truly want a woman. He enjoys your attention and care, but he does not love you. Do you need that kind of thing? I guess not. You know it is up to you to create your boundaries. It is easy to know someone is not interested in you because it is always you who calls, sends messages, communicates. I know you are interested in him and love talking to him, but do you get attention from him in return when you need it? Why are you so desperate trying to make it work? You don't have to prove anything. You don't have to go out of your way to make it work when you see he is not interested. Be honest with yourself and admit that you could not impress him. It does not mean that you are not pretty or anything. It just means it is not you that he wants so he does not deserve your time at all. Perhaps you have hopes that the situation will change, but is this a realistic expectation? Why do you stick to someone who always finds something more important to do when it comes to meet you? Just make him understand that the game he is playing is below you. Respect yourself and walk away from a person who keeps hurting you. He can be the most attractive man in the world, his appearance is worth nothing if he is not interested in you, right? Possibly he is just not meant for you. Don't waste your time waiting for him to realize he loves you. He probably won't. Be good to yourself and move on.

Depth & Insight

Have you been there?

Feel the sensations of the moment

It does not take long

Why do we need to seem perfect?

What do you truly want?

What makes you so desperate to escape reality?

Not so hard to return

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