I know I should leave. I try it hard, but my legs get pinned to the ground. I can't move. I just sit at the window, gazing out into nothingness, finding no way out. Each time I am left to myself thinking these thoughts I conclude that it should be over. This game must be ended, because I do nothing else but wait for you thinking that I only need to put in a little more effort to make it work.
I spent months without you pretending I was well while I knew inside that I was falling apart. I went to sleep with tears in my eyes. I acted like someone strong, but in truth I was afraid, I felt shaky. I don't want to tell people how I feel because I know they would not understand. They would try to console me by saying stereotypes about love and life. It would not do.
I must watch other people's happiness from a distance knowing I am not given this blessing. I am alone, because I need no one else but you. I want to share my life with you. You, however, do not want to be with me. I don't blame you. Not anymore.
I know you're just trying to escape from everything and everybody. You are trying to avoid emotional bonds. You refuse to be open. You don't dare trust. You are afraid of disappointment. Of course, this means that basically you are flying from happiness, dear. I have learnt to paint happy moments with my imagination. I try to relive how it feels to love and dream. Every night I watch this movie in my head before I fall asleep. The void is so big inside me that I must weep over it. I am not angry with you, but it hurts. It hurts because I know you are lost somewhere in the world. You left me, but you did it in vain because departure did not bring you happiness. Trust me, I would be glad to know you are happy. But I know that far away from me as you are loneliness is your companion for the night. No word can tell how you feel, no more than the way I feel. This is a lonely path, dear, and you were aware of it, and yet, you chose it. It was your decision. And you didn't think about it twice. You never do. Perhaps this is what I loved the most about you.
I want to relive again how it feels to love and dream.
The bond between us wasn't as strong as I believed. Sometimes there is no better choice than being silent because at one point words cannot express things anymore. I thought that seeing you again I would have a million words to tell and questions to ask. But now I feel that I only want to be silent, watching you. I have no words left. This time I know it for sure. At this point, I guess, where words and feelings fail, our relationship has come to the end.
