Depth & Insight: happiness

Many people live with two faces, one is put up to show the world how happy they are and the other is the real one hidden and rarely acknowledged, preserved for private moments. Your real life is far from perfect but you like painting a colorful, happy existence that you can proudly show off to strangers you meet walking down the street, friends on Facebook, colleagues at your workplace and so on. People feel a desire to deceive others into thinking they live the perfect life denying the fact that it is only the seeming of a life. We live outwardly, we want to seem great, which results in short-term satisfaction and long-term frustration. Problem is that you can't wear a mask forever, for the inadequacies of your real life begin to show more and more and finally you'll find impossible to pretend everything is right. We are so ready to make a complete mess out of our lives by putting our energy into pretense instead of working hard to change what is not right.

Have you been there?

Technology got the better of us if you want to hear the truth. Somehow it became more important to capture and share all minute details of everyday life than to live in those moments enjoying them to the fullest. Excuse my sarcasm, but our motto could be something like “if you never post it, it never happened” — this is the way of thinking in modern life. Bad, isn't it? We live our days without ever really being there in the moment because we focus on taking photos of those moments so that we can show our friends in social media how happy we are. We want more and more likes to feel loved and accepted, we want to feel special and popular which is easier online than offline. Thus whatever we do our mind is always on documenting the activity and saving it for social media share which means our attention is at least half diverted. We never really experience things fully because we are never really there.

Feel the sensations of the moment

How can you take a selfie while kissing for instance? If you are happy with that kiss, how can you ever think of taking a photo while doing it? If you are in love, you just can't focus on the likes you will get for that photo from the people who are (more or less) honestly happy for you. Most people never cares if you are happy. Your whole being should be filled with the sensation of the moment, the vibrations that kiss gives you, the thrill that runs through you. Instead you want to prove how happy you are by taking a photo. Now just ask yourself: What if people won't see how you kissed? What if people won't see your happiness? Most people will never see your struggles and darkest thoughts either. It's okay. You should not do things because of them. Your life is not a public show for everyone to see. If you focus on making a display of everything you do all the time, then you live for them, you do things for them. You should do everything for yourself.

However, no problem to write a few lines about it after you went through an experience. After you received all the happiness you could by that kiss, it is no problem to tell those who really care. Afterwards it might occur to you to tell. No sooner. And you might want to take some photos, too. Not to share them on social media, but for your own use. It might be nice to look at those pics sometimes and relive the moment. It might be nice to show them to those who really want to be part of your life. Not to everyone and not publicly, though. And those photos don't have to be perfect. You might lose precious moments of an experience focusing on the best way to take that picture. What if the photo is not perfect? It matters not. Living fully and being in the moment is more important. Or should be.

It does not take long

The happiness you get from virtuality is short-lived and shallow, leaving you with a feeling of dissatisfaction, because you want more. It works the same way as drugs. Somehow we separated ourselves from everything that is natural, building a fake world that seems more satisfying than reality. We want to hide the truth behind that bright surface. How can you truly believe that anyone's life can be changed by just a few clicks? How can you believe that looking good in social media makes you good in real life? How can you believe that showing off your happiness makes you happy? Technology is only a tool, no more. It is very useful when someone we love lives far away from us, enabling us to keep in touch, be part of their lives. It is handy when we need information, too. Technology is a blessing if you use it for the right purposes, helping yourself to a happier and fuller life in reality. A life that is not displaced by virtuality.

Why do we need to seem perfect?

We lie to ourselves often and happiness derived not from living our real life but existing virtually is the biggest lie we ever told. Why do we need that lie? Obviously, we need it because we want to please. Deep inside there's something that forces us to do whatever is approved by others so that we are accepted. We want the world to believe that we live the perfect life, everything in order, everything going right. We are terribly afraid to show our imperfections. We feel that we must be the perfect worker, the perfect spouse, the perfect parent, the perfect everything. We need others to think that we are happy. We need them to think that we are useful and well-grounded in life. We never ask ourselves if we are truly happy. We never think how to please our own soul and heart. We don't realize that people who really matter are few and such that they never ask that we please them.

What do you truly want?

The truth is that we are not satisfied with the amount of love and attention we get in real life. Everybody wants approval, praise, kindness, etc. We want to feel that we are important to others. People who can't get what they need in reality start to seek it in a virtual existence. You might not feel worthy and loved so you go for a few hundred likes to fill the void in your heart. Perhaps you feel good about yourself for a few hours afterwards. However, the happiness caused by virtual love quickly expires and you are left drained and dissatisfied, desiring even more likes so that you can feel, not happy this time, but some joy at all. You need more and more likes to feel okay, never realizing that it is not the likes that you truly want. You want them as a substitute for true love.

What makes you so desperate to escape reality?

We all carry burdens that we hope to put down. For a while we seem to succeed in that, but then, they return with extra force, because they have to teach us something that we are reluctant to learn. Some people hate their jobs. Others hate their partners. There are people who hate their whole lives even. However, making the necessary changes so that we can be happier seems too hard so we do everything we can to escape reality. These days not only books and movies offer the opportunity to turn our back on our lives, but the virtual world that social media offers enables us to create a new life. This is easy and simple. When reality gets too harsh we are tempted to escape into virtuality, a world where we can be at least seemingly perfect. Of course you know it is a lie. You must face that fact each time you fall back into the everyday routine of your real life. Yet, you can't wait to get back to the virtual world so that you can forget what your real life looks like.

Not so hard to return

It doesn't have to be that way. Knowing the root of your fears enables you to change your life. That is if you are willing. You can manage and use technology in the proper way so your life becomes a beautiful living thing instead of a shadow. When you no longer call 'life' something that is only a tool you get motivated to turn your attention inward. You don't fall into the trap of focusing on what others think instead of what you truly want. You don't compare yourself to others all the time. If you want to be truly happy, enjoy the moment heartily and gratefully.

Life is a paradox. It is too long for us to notice how short it is. People are stuck in bad relationships or situations, waiting for the right moment to move on until they realize 5 or 10 or 20 years has flown away, or maybe their whole life is spent. Just look around yourself and tell me how many people you know live the life that makes them feel happy and free? How many gets up with a smile on a Monday morning, eagerly waiting for the day to start because they love what they are doing or enjoy their jobs so much? How many undertakes the struggle to reach all the dreams they have? Can you name one person who is like that? And what about yourself? Do you live the life that deep inside you wish to have?

Most people want something different from what they have whether it is a workplace, a relationship or a life situation that makes them miserable, and yet, they do not try to change. They mention where they want to be jokingly, never stirring a bit to start in that direction. Why? And why do they hate and envy those who do?

Temptation to stay in your comfort zone

The explanation is simple. We are inclined to sacrifice our long-term happiness in order to keep ourselves comfortable in the present. You might be asking how one can be comfortable while suffering from whatever is painful and frustrating. Easily. Staying within your comfort zone provides a false sense of security, certainty, stability. Our present situation is what we know and what we are used to. Whatever change we are contemplating is uncertain and fearful. What if I change my situation and everything gets worse? You are afraid to do something because you stick to the illusion of security. However, the truth is it can be worse even if you change nothing.

Never having learnt to fight for whatever your goal is and ignore whoever keeps you back, your life is just drifting with no self-development. This is what severely affects your happiness, your relationships and everything you do on this earth while you have time to spend. Your reluctance to take responsibility for your actions leads to drifting away from everything you want. This is like burying yourself alive.

Fear of making decisions

Another thing that keeps you back from changing your life is fear of making a decision. Many people worry that their decision might prove to be the wrong thing making them sink even lower. This is the reason so many people tends to procrastinate. However, thinking it through you must realize that most decisions are not irreversible. We are usually afraid that we can't undo our actions, but most actions, if you come to think of it, can be corrected later. If you were wrong to marry this person, for example, you can easily get a divorce. What this basically means is that the responsibility we fear when making a decision is a myth.

Speaking of decisions, you should not think that the big ones are those that affect your life considerably. Getting married, for instance, is an important event, but it is not the only decision that influences your relationship. You make decisions every day that take you in a certain direction. In fact, everyday decisions are the most important ones because they become habits after a while. They become automatic. And the change that seemed frightening at first becomes easy later. In the end you get used to it and it just feels natural, normal and okay.

What if I get it wrong?

Don't be afraid of making the wrong decision because 'bad' and 'good' do not exist when it comes to change your life. These phrases contain a good deal of relativity. Something that is good for you can be bad for someone else. Something that is good for you today can be bad for you tomorrow. Just know that by not making any decision you make a decision. You decide not to change your situation. Is maintaining your present state good for you? If not, you should make a new decision.

The problem with procrastination

After a while we get tired. With so many thinking and contemplating done our mental energy and capacity of making decision finally get exhausted. If you carry a burden like a bad relationship or a bad life situation with you it's no use procrastinating, because you render yourself incapable of any important decision. Thus you rob yourself of the chance of happiness by hiding from the world that you deem dangerous.

Everybody can recognize that their situation is bad soon enough because of the suffering it inflicts on them. However, keep in mind that people who complain, but make no change, have not been suffering enough yet. We humans are such perverse creatures. If you think something is important you take action, don't you? If you take no action, your own happiness might not be important enough for you.

Small steps or one big change?

Taking action, however, does not necessary involve one big change in your life that cuts all your ties at once. It is wiser to take small steps every day, creating new habits, leaving your comfort zone as much as possible. Making small progress won't generate any feeling of change at first, but it is certainly taking you toward the life you want. Very few people choose this solution, though. Most of them choose the drastic way after they encounter a tragedy for instance. Stroke, cancer, heart problems can be the cause of change when we have become too rigid resisting change too much. Life then brings forth hard lessons to teach us. If small signs are ignored a tragedy happens that either breaks us for good or forces us to rebuild our life after all is said and done.

Take control of your life

People who are not afraid to look in the mirror and face themselves in order to take control of their lives are respectable. So much courage is needed to sweep out all the trash from our minds. Mistaken beliefs, wounds caused by other people, deeply rooted fears are hard to remove, but this removal is the most important task we have in life. Unfortunately many people refuse to do it. They rather go though life suffering and sink into their graves with bitterness because of the lost chance to become who they want to be. You should not make that choice. It is never too late to start a change. Feel your heart with your hand — is it beating? Then you are alive. It is not late. You only have to start changing your life now.

Just think of the persons you love and ask yourself if you are one of them. Seriously. Are you important for yourself? Do you devote enough time to yourself? Do you respect yourself? Can you accept your decisions, your past and present, your whole self altogether? Are you aware of your good points as well as your faults? If you are like most people, probably not. It is rather likely that you punish yourself for being who you are, looking the way you do, living the life you have. You are fighting a desperate battle within yourself, although you know that this inner conflict does you no good. Probably you are struggling hard to reach your goals, taking your life seriously, punishing yourself for your mistakes and failures, treating yourself with such severity you treat no other human being. You do not realize that you can say 'no' sometimes. You can say no to goals that are not very important for you. You can say no to people who do not treat you like you are important to them. You can say no to fears that keep you back. And you can say no to the hardness with which you push yourself.

Sometimes these inner conflicts find their way to the surface. You cannot hide them forever, because they will not stay in you, they need to find their way out, the only question is the when and how. That's how unexpected illnesses happen. You are cruel to yourself in vain. You punish yourself for no good reason. You let situations and people that hurt you stay in your life. You do not notice what is good. You are waiting for something, knowing not what, and later regret that you were just waiting, waiting.... Perhaps you believe that you love yourself, but look at how you treat yourself.

The truth is that most people only wish that they could love themselves. They say that they do, they try hard to make others as well as themselves believe that they do. But inside there is a sense of guilt, disappointment, resentment along with self accusations. You try to bury those parts of your past that still hurt you. You are constantly fleeing from your own head, your own thoughts.

There are not many people who can accept the bad experiences they suffered in the past, the doings of others who hurt them and their own imperfections that cause a proneness to self-hate and self-reproach. Most of us seem to blame ourselves, thinking that we are despicable little wretches. And why? Only because something did not turned out the way we hoped.

Perhaps you never learned to accept your body and personality the way they are. You always want to be like someone else. Then it is important for you to realize that self-acceptance and self-improvement are not in conflict with each other, they strengthen each other. We live in a culture where people lost the connection with themselves. We live in a culture where everyone knows what his job is, what should he be like (according to others), who is good and who is bad, what is to be liked and what is to be hated, what is okay to do and what is not. We live in a culture where most people fly from the home of their own souls. For your soul is crying to you, asking questions like 'Who am I? Why can't I enjoy my life? Why do I feel guilty when I find that I am different from others? Why is it not okay to be myself and go my own way with a smile on my face?' Most people don't want to answer these questions. They try to escape these questions by giving themselves up to work, addictions, aggression, illness or, sometimes, death. They seek instant solutions that do not work, lying to themselves, repeating to themselves that they are okay, okay. They go on hating themselves for their looks, abilities, actions, whatever. They never try to really accept and love themselves. They trap themselves by self-deceit. Why? Because it is too hard to keep your faith. Too hard not to hate yourself. Too hard to resume the trust in yourself, believing in your dreams, accepting that with all our imperfections we are, ultimately, perfect. They find it is too hard to change.

But the day must come when you discover that you don't have to suffer. You don't have to resign yourself to a life situation that you hate. You can look inside and decide that you will change. You have the power to accept yourself as you are. You can discover that self-improvement is possible for you if you don't like yourself the way you are. You can be the way you want, but you don't need to hate yourself until then. Who says that happiness is forbidden until you reach your goal? Why shouldn't you be happy while making your progress?

There are two attitudes to take in life. One type of person takes care to think about the meaning of their existence, they set goals for themselves that, being reached, can make them satisfied with life. The other type of person can't see much sense in life struggles and the only goal they can set for themselves is to survive each day which makes their lives a long chain of troubles and fateful events, for everything in it is determined by luck alone.

Learn from what you are going through

It is natural that we have to struggle in life; whenever something bad happens, keep in mind that your task is to solve the problems and keep hoping for the better. Everything happens to us for a reason. Instead of thinking how good or bad some event is, we must try to learn from it what we can. Those events are lessons and they keep repeating themselves until we learn them. Of course, they are not easy to learn, because in life no professor can tell you how to solve a problem. People like giving advice but there is no teacher who can tell you what to do for getting the best result, which of course does not mean that there is no teacher in your life at all. Everyone who comes into your life teaches something to you or learns something from you...

Complete the tasks life gives you

Don't think your life is full of troubles and problems. Those are not troubles but tasks waiting to be completed. If you complete those tasks with all your might using the abilities and talents you have, you grow. That's how you improve yourself. So just complete your task and move on. If you do your best you should feel satisfied. That deep satisfaction is somehow related to happiness in a simplified manner. Happiness is what everyone wants, right? People are chasing some idealistic life situation that they believe will make them happy, but when they reach what they want their best days are already gone.

Happiness is not what you think

Happiness is not out there but inside you. When you feel relaxed, your mind is quiet, and your soul is filled with harmony and good intentions, that's happiness. It does not matter if you have a fortune or not. You should not expect money to make you feel better if otherwise you are miserable, because your mind is occupied with making comparisons between yourself and others. What if you never realize your dream of wealth? If your happiness depends on money, you are bound to be unhappy forever. You should not reassure yourself by thinking that devoting your time and energy to earning as much money as you can will reward you with happiness some time in the future. Never think of happiness as something that belongs to the future. You should concentrate on this moment alone, because what if you die tomorrow? You should think about the here and now, feeling grateful for having another day to live. Just think about all the reasons you have to be happy! You are healthy, you are beloved, the world around you is beautiful, just have a look at those flowers, just have a walk in the sunshine! Be satisfied with what you have instead of chasing dreams that are never to be realized.

Keep hoping for the best

No, this does not mean that you should resign all your ambitions. You are better off being motivated to do more and be more. But no failure should be followed by unhappiness. Optimism and positive attitude is what can keep us going. Hope is what propels life forward and helps us with however hard life situation we get into. Poverty should not prevent you from noticing the beauty of the world around you and with a soul immensely rich you can help others more than money in itself ever could.

Keep in mind that bad days are followed by good ones

Never give up, because goals that have realistic foundation can be reached if you work hard. What one can think and believe is just what one can achieve. Trust yourself, allow yourself to dream, and believe in the success of your plans. No one is predestined to have an unhappy existence. Bad things might happen to everyone, but they are generally followed by good days just like night is followed by daylight.

Being loved is what makes you the happiest

Don't think of happiness as something that other people can provide. It is natural that you want to be loved, but it is not the other person who makes you happy. The feeling is inside you! You only need someone to feed your happiness, but they do not generate it. It is hard to define, however, who is the one for you. Sometimes the ugliest person can become the most beautiful because the love that you feel changes the way you see. Never try to explain why you love someone for your heart knows these things better than your brain. It sends you the clearest signals when the right person comes along. Sometimes you fall for the wrong one, but that happens for a reason, too. Just look for someone with whom you both can make each other feel loved, important and attractive. Earthly happiness comes from the feeling that you would give or sacrifice everything for that person because you are so deeply in love and whenever you look at each other you know that you are loved with the same intensity and your presence is a source of joy and happiness for the dear one.

Choose the right way to live

So what is to be done in this earthly existence? Just do whatever you must and strive for happiness, but remain humane in the process. Live in a way so that you don't feel any regret if you must die tomorrow. Every new day gives you an opportunity to choose the life that makes you happier. Everything depends on your attitude. And don't take tomorrow's worries on yourself today! Each day has its own worries to cope with. It is more than enough for you to take today's worries on you today. The choice is yours. Also you can choose the way you react in certain situations. Also you can choose the way you want to live. Also you can decide if you want to let people affect your mood. Just live so that you build, not destroy. Let your soul fill with harmony and enjoy life and its beauty, because there is only one existence that you can live through. At least in this form...

People don't like being told that they make mistakes, but whenever you feel unhappy, you'll probably discover your own responsibility. There is no other person but you who can do something about that situation, that relationship, that poison that consumes you. Others may want to help, but their help is not always what you need — sometimes however good the intention is, the result is bad.

You are the person who can help you in the first place, whatever the problem is, and change your life so that your miserable feeling vanishes into the air. That magic won't come by itself, neither will be delivered by someone else, a good angel who decided to help. You are the person on whom everything depends in your life and that is what you must keep in mind when you look for the reasons of your unhappiness.

Sometimes it seems like other people are to blame — because some of them criticizes you, judges you, frowns at you, bullies you. But it is you who allows them to do it. When you realize that it does not have to be like this, it's like an awakening.

Deep inside, however, you are afraid. You fear disapproval. You are afraid that someone might think you a bad person. So you rather stay silent, however loud you are shouting inside. You don't exert any power to defend yourself. You let them torture you by remarks or do you other harm just because you are afraid of their judgement. You shouldn't be.

This is your life. No one can make you comfortable with it but yourself. Other people won't do it for you. Some of them will help. Others will try to stab you in the back. So it is your responsibility to be your own guard and protector. It is you who can make you happy in the first place. Having kind people around who love you is important, but they alone can't make you happy. Your life needs your attention and affectionate care, you know. The source of your happiness is within you, and you must find it inside before you can share it with those you love.

There are a lot of movies that tell a story of self-improvement with a hero or heroine whose life is miserable until he or she takes the responsibility and starts changes that lead to a happy result. One of the most compelling pieces must be American Beauty. I think it is Kevin Spacey's best performance ever. He plays a man who has no joy in his life and feels completely dead inside for he has nothing to satisfy him: no respect from people, no achievement to be proud of. Then, he meets this girl who is his daughter's friend, and his increasing interest in her motivates him to change his life for good. This movie can be an incentive for you to start working on yourself. It is realistic, for such self-improvement can be achieved by anyone who really wants it. And, you know, what can be done must be done. It is never too late to start.

Sometimes you feel like nothing can hurt you. You feel so much above ordinary fears and self-doubt. When things go right, and life grants you something you wished for, you might think you are invincible. You will never get old, never die. Especially very young people might feel that they can accomplish anything, they can get anything they want. This feeling is natural for the young. But then, something happens. When you reach middle age, you feel like you have been deceived. As if somebody promised you that you would always be happy and live well. Some kind of disappointment creeps into your heart, there's a vague feeling of loss. You don't feel invincible anymore. Some wounds make you be aware of your vulnerability and you lose your courage. Trying new things gets incredibly hard. You don't even wish for novelty anymore. An existence devoid of trouble is the very best you hope for. Thoughts of happiness become disturbing, because they feel like dreams, surreal and never to be achieved. You almost think there is no chance of happiness in real life. Everything you believed in your youth becomes shattered for there's a certainty now in your heart that you can't do more, you can't be more. All the experience that you acquired throughout your life tells you it is foolish to hope for happiness. Quiet contentment is all you can reasonably hope for. I often ask myself why time brings such convictions on people later in life? Why don't we keep our courage? Where is the feeling of invincibility we had in our youth? Where are all those hopes? Why are we silent when we should express what we wish for? Where do our dreams go? And what if we tried to sustain some portion of the feelings we had in our youth? What if we kept dreaming and wishing for good results? What if we dared to open our hearts again without fear of getting hurt (like we have never been hurt before)? What if we tried to keep our hopes alive despite all the disappointments we might have suffered? What if we still tried to be happy despite all?

Depth & Insight

Do You Live the Perfect Life Without Ever Being Happy?

Have you been there?

Feel the sensations of the moment

It does not take long

Why do we need to seem perfect?

What do you truly want?

What makes you so desperate to escape reality?

Not so hard to return

Afraid to Change Your Life? This Is Why You Are Stuck In Bad Situations

Temptation to stay in your comfort zone

Fear of making decisions

What if I get it wrong?

The problem with procrastination

Small steps or one big change?

Take control of your life

Are You One of Your Beloved? Fighting off Self-Hate

Things Are Not Always What They Look Like

This Is Where True Happiness Is To Be Found

Learn from what you are going through

Complete the tasks life gives you

Happiness is not what you think

Keep hoping for the best

Keep in mind that bad days are followed by good ones

Being loved is what makes you the happiest

Choose the right way to live

No One Can Make Your Life Happy But Yourself

Open the Gates of Your Soul and Give Yourself a Chance

What You Hope For

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