Depth & Insight

In this article I want us to take a movie and review it not in terms of how great the movie is, but look at it in terms of what life lessons we can get from that movie. Today’s movie, Boyhood is one of those films with about a hundred of life lessons. So now we are focusing on one simple life lesson that we can get from Boyhood.

Boyhood is a movie that starts with a 6-year-old boy and follows him through his childhood until he reaches his adult life and begins college. You watch him age twelve years and it's the same actor going through this whole journey. And that's fascinating because although he is acting you're watching a real person grow up and go through his adolescent phases and go into adulthood. It's kind of weird. A lot of people think this film is a long film — it's 3 hours long — for me it wasn't long. I saw a guy's life condensed from 12 years into 3 hours and it scared the crap out of me. I first felt nostalgic as I watched it because it made me think of my own childhood and the passing of the years, and how you change and develop and get awkward and go through that, and all of these different phases of life made me realize there were such distinct phases to life and just how quickly they go.

After the nostalgia I felt quite sad looking back and thinking of my own life having gone so quickly and then I felt nervous because I suddenly realized while I'm sitting here reminiscing about the childhood that is over I'm in another phase of my life right now that will also be over soon and it has an end. Every phase has an end and sometimes we are so busy reminiscing about the phase that has already ended that we forget that we are in one right now and that itself needs to be appreciated, we need to find a way to appreciate and be in the moment in the phase of life that we are in because that too will pass.

Seneca in his book On the Shortness of Life talked about life as being short only if you didn't know how to live it and didn't know how to use your time. I think when we get preoccupied with reminiscing or preoccupied with the future we allow the present to pass us by and then life does become incredibly short. We do wake up one day and realize that a year has passed or 5 years have passed or a decade has passed. I took from this movie that we need to appreciate the phase of life that we are in.

1. Just pause for a moment and actually think of what's great about the phase that you are in right now. Because every phase comes with its unique advantages. Some people say school is the best days of your life. I think school has its pros but I definitely think school has its cons as well. When you are out of school you are into a new phase and there are new things to appreciate and the same is true when you are in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, wherever. We don't just define a phase by age, it can be defined by what you happened to be doing in that part of your life. What is good about the phase of your life that you are in right now?

2. Think of something that is worth doing in this phase of your life. Instead of constantly thinking about what you want to do before you die ask yourself what would be worthwhile right now while you are in this phase. What would aid your growth and aid your learning or what would just feel like living in this phase of your life?

3. Keep a daily list of what made today count. When I started alongside my daily to-do list keeping a list of what actually made today count — sometimes it was when I got something done for my to-do list I moved it over to the list of what made today count — but it wasn't just stuff I got done, it was things that I thought or things that I experienced or moments I had with people. I don't want this to be confused with saying how many things you can get done in a day because productivity isn't the same as presence. It's not the same as being present, as actually appreciating the day, appreciating the moment, feeling and sensing and enjoying the experiences that you are having. Those aren't always to-dos.

What made today count? In that way you will begin to appreciate every single day in this phase of your life instead of getting to the end of another year and seeing that that year just went by and you barely noticed it. So that's it 3 quick things to appreciate this phase of your life. If you haven't seen Boyhood, go and watch it. If you are like me you will feel sad, because it is sad to see time go so quickly and to see someone just so swiftly move through their life and to see how quick that goes, but it also does give you such a tremendous appreciation of the time that you have now and how important it is just to try and slow it down as much as possible because this phase will be over before we know it.

Many people live with two faces, one is put up to show the world how happy they are and the other is the real one hidden and rarely acknowledged, preserved for private moments. Your real life is far from perfect but you like painting a colorful, happy existence that you can proudly show off to strangers you meet walking down the street, friends on Facebook, colleagues at your workplace and so on. People feel a desire to deceive others into thinking they live the perfect life denying the fact that it is only the seeming of a life. We live outwardly, we want to seem great, which results in short-term satisfaction and long-term frustration. Problem is that you can't wear a mask forever, for the inadequacies of your real life begin to show more and more and finally you'll find impossible to pretend everything is right. We are so ready to make a complete mess out of our lives by putting our energy into pretense instead of working hard to change what is not right.

Technology got the better of us if you want to hear the truth. Somehow it became more important to capture and share all minute details of everyday life than to live in those moments enjoying them to the fullest. Excuse my sarcasm, but our motto could be something like “if you never post it, it never happened” — this is the way of thinking in modern life. Bad, isn't it? We live our days without ever really being there in the moment because we focus on taking photos of those moments so that we can show our friends in social media how happy we are. We want more and more likes to feel loved and accepted, we want to feel special and popular which is easier online than offline. Thus whatever we do our mind is always on documenting the activity and saving it for social media share which means our attention is at least half diverted. We never really experience things fully because we are never really there.

How can you take a selfie while kissing for instance? If you are happy with that kiss, how can you ever think of taking a photo while doing it? If you are in love, you just can't focus on the likes you will get for that photo from the people who are (more or less) honestly happy for you. Most people never cares if you are happy. Your whole being should be filled with the sensation of the moment, the vibrations that kiss gives you, the thrill that runs through you. Instead you want to prove how happy you are by taking a photo. Now just ask yourself: What if people won't see how you kissed? What if people won't see your happiness? Most people will never see your struggles and darkest thoughts either. It's okay. You should not do things because of them. Your life is not a public show for everyone to see. If you focus on making a display of everything you do all the time, then you live for them, you do things for them. You should do everything for yourself.

However, no problem to write a few lines about it after you went through an experience. After you received all the happiness you could by that kiss, it is no problem to tell those who really care. Afterwards it might occur to you to tell. No sooner. And you might want to take some photos, too. Not to share them on social media, but for your own use. It might be nice to look at those pics sometimes and relive the moment. It might be nice to show them to those who really want to be part of your life. Not to everyone and not publicly, though. And those photos don't have to be perfect. You might lose precious moments of an experience focusing on the best way to take that picture. What if the photo is not perfect? It matters not. Living fully and being in the moment is more important. Or should be.

The happiness you get from virtuality is short-lived and shallow, leaving you with a feeling of dissatisfaction, because you want more. It works the same way as drugs. Somehow we separated ourselves from everything that is natural, building a fake world that seems more satisfying than reality. We want to hide the truth behind that bright surface. How can you truly believe that anyone's life can be changed by just a few clicks? How can you believe that looking good in social media makes you good in real life? How can you believe that showing off your happiness makes you happy? Technology is only a tool, no more. It is very useful when someone we love lives far away from us, enabling us to keep in touch, be part of their lives. It is handy when we need information, too. Technology is a blessing if you use it for the right purposes, helping yourself to a happier and fuller life in reality. A life that is not displaced by virtuality.

We lie to ourselves often and happiness derived not from living our real life but existing virtually is the biggest lie we ever told. Why do we need that lie? Obviously, we need it because we want to please. Deep inside there's something that forces us to do whatever is approved by others so that we are accepted. We want the world to believe that we live the perfect life, everything in order, everything going right. We are terribly afraid to show our imperfections. We feel that we must be the perfect worker, the perfect spouse, the perfect parent, the perfect everything. We need others to think that we are happy. We need them to think that we are useful and well-grounded in life. We never ask ourselves if we are truly happy. We never think how to please our own soul and heart. We don't realize that people who really matter are few and such that they never ask that we please them.

The truth is that we are not satisfied with the amount of love and attention we get in real life. Everybody wants approval, praise, kindness, etc. We want to feel that we are important to others. People who can't get what they need in reality start to seek it in a virtual existence. You might not feel worthy and loved so you go for a few hundred likes to fill the void in your heart. Perhaps you feel good about yourself for a few hours afterwards. However, the happiness caused by virtual love quickly expires and you are left drained and dissatisfied, desiring even more likes so that you can feel, not happy this time, but some joy at all. You need more and more likes to feel okay, never realizing that it is not the likes that you truly want. You want them as a substitute for true love.

We all carry burdens that we hope to put down. For a while we seem to succeed in that, but then, they return with extra force, because they have to teach us something that we are reluctant to learn. Some people hate their jobs. Others hate their partners. There are people who hate their whole lives even. However, making the necessary changes so that we can be happier seems too hard so we do everything we can to escape reality. These days not only books and movies offer the opportunity to turn our back on our lives, but the virtual world that social media offers enables us to create a new life. This is easy and simple. When reality gets too harsh we are tempted to escape into virtuality, a world where we can be at least seemingly perfect. Of course you know it is a lie. You must face that fact each time you fall back into the everyday routine of your real life. Yet, you can't wait to get back to the virtual world so that you can forget what your real life looks like. 

It doesn't have to be that way. Knowing the root of your fears enables you to change your life. That is if you are willing. You can manage and use technology in the proper way so your life becomes a beautiful living thing instead of a shadow. When you no longer call 'life' something that is only a tool you get motivated to turn your attention inward. You don't fall into the trap of focusing on what others think instead of what you truly want. You don't compare yourself to others all the time. If you want to be truly happy, enjoy the moment heartily and gratefully.

Complete the tasks life gives you

People don't like being told that they make mistakes, but whenever you feel unhappy, you'll probably discover your own responsibility. There is no other person but you who can do something about that situation, that relationship, that poison that consumes you. Others may want to help, but their help is not always what you need — sometimes however good the intention is, the result is bad. 

You are the person who can help you in the first place, whatever the problem is, and change your life so that your miserable feeling vanishes into the air. That magic won't come by itself, neither will be delivered by someone else, a good angel who decided to help. You are the person on whom everything depends in your life and that is what you must keep in mind when you look for the reasons of your unhappiness. 

Sometimes it seems like other people are to blame — because some of them criticizes you, judges you, frowns at you, bullies you. But it is you who allows them to do it. When you realize that it does not have to be like this, it's like an awakening.

Deep inside, however, you are afraid. You fear disapproval. You are afraid that someone might think you a bad person. So you rather stay silent, however loud you are shouting inside. You don't exert any power to defend yourself. You let them torture you by remarks or do you other harm just because you are afraid of their judgement. You shouldn't be. 

This is your life. No one can make you comfortable with it but yourself. Other people won't do it for you. Some of them will help. Others will try to stab you in the back. So it is your responsibility to be your own guard and protector. It is you who can make you happy in the first place. Having kind people around who love you is important, but they alone can't make you happy. Your life needs your attention and affectionate care, you know. The source of your happiness is within you, and you must find it inside before you can share it with those you love.  

There are a lot of movies that tell a story of self-improvement with a hero or heroine whose life is miserable until he or she takes the responsibility and starts changes that lead to a happy result. One of the most compelling pieces must be American Beauty. I think it is Kevin Spacey's best performance ever. He plays a man who has no joy in his life and feels completely dead inside for he has nothing to satisfy him: no respect from people, no achievement to be proud of. Then, he meets this girl who is his daughter's friend, and his increasing interest in her motivates him to change his life for good. This movie can be an incentive for you to start working on yourself. It is realistic, for such self-improvement can be achieved by anyone who really wants it. And, you know, what can be done must be done. It is never too late to start.