Depth & Insight: emotion

Do you feel lost sometimes? If you are a woman of depth and feeling, you probably have to face the fact that you are different from most of the people around you. You hate small talk because you want to go deep every time you have a conversation. You ask questions that never occurred to other people, calling their attention to things that they perhaps chose not to see because they are afraid of them. You always tell the truth, even if the person concerned is not happy to hear it. This quality of yours is responsible for driving men away from you. Men often choose not to have anything to do with you because you know what you want, show your feelings and tell them what you need.

You meet very few men of the same depth and feeling that you have which results in long years of single life. You fall in love very rarely. The men you meet don't want such depth as yours in their relationships, they just want some amusement, they reject responsibilities. That's why you choose not to waste your time on them. Relationships that lack depth and long conversations make you unhappy. Men who refuse to open up make you unhappy. You want to dive into his soul, his thoughts, his past, his personality. You want to know more about him, you want to understand him, wishing he could understand you. You want to connect to him on a deeper level, you want intimacy. If you can't find a man who is your match you rather stay single. Being single is better for you than toiling along in a bad relationship.

Enjoying yourself is not enough for you. You want more. You want meaning. If you find a man who seems the one that can make you happy, you are not afraid to take steps toward him. You do everything in your power to please him. Yet, you are shocked to see he is retreating, he is frightened, he does not want what you have to offer. A lot of men are afraid of women who show their feelings, tell their thoughts and have intense emotions. Love is not a game for you. You put your whole self in the relationship and expect the man to do the same. You do this despite the fact that you see his faults and flaws very clearly. You understand his struggles, you perceive what is going on inside his soul. You find it natural that you have that skill. Men, however, find it weird. Men are not used to women who are like that. Men are afraid of women who are like that. He is afraid that you want his soul.

He knows you take him seriously. He knows you will never play with his feelings. He does not really understand who and what you are, because he never met women of that sort. He thinks you have ideas and insights almost like men do. But the strangest of all is your capacity of having those intense emotions that go so deep, invading heart and body. He knows you want real attachment and intimacy. You seek a soul mate in him. You can't enjoy a relationship without deep sentiments, your soul is like burning fire. You are a bit too eager and seeing his hesitation you feel hurt, turned down, rejected. You realize he does not know what he wants and that makes you think he does not want you at all. You surmise you are not important to him. This makes you feel bad for you take it as an offense. You feel hurt because you can't be happy with a cold man who is emotionally unavailable. You don’t want a man who built a wall around his heart for protection. You need to feel his love and attachment without which you find the relationship is mere vegetation. Men, however, at least most of them, feel this is something too serious. Something that implies duty and responsibility. Not all of them is capable of understanding your soul so you must be patient when seeking the man who is your match. He is a thoughtful being with just as deep feelings as you have. He needs you just as much as you need him. Meeting a woman like you will be a great surprise for him — it might be that he already decided women are all shallow. You'll be a surprise to him and he'll be a surprise to you. Just wait for your time, dear.

There was a kiss. There was a night when she slept beside me — we did not make love. I didn't feel uneasy, I knew she needed me and I needed her. Not like a woman that I could have sex with — I needed no love from her. I only needed her presence. It soothed me. I can't call her my love, which she was not, neither the word friend is expressive of what was between us. I felt no sexual drive, nothing like passion when we were together, and yet, some kind of bond existed, something inexplicable. No disturbing silence, no need to pretend you are someone else, I could be just me. It was like I knew her for ages. The best way I can describe our relationship is that we were soul mates.

We spent a lot of time together and eventually I began to feel this meant something more to her. She looked at me differently. What once was playful and easy became distressing, because I knew what she wanted. She wanted more than I could give her. I knew I had to hurt her, because important as she was to me, I could not love her with the kind of love she wanted. I appreciated the moments we shared, the talks we had, but the spark never came. She was in love with me and I struggled hard to feel the same way. I wanted to fall in love with her. I struggled to feel that I want no one else but her. Yet, I could not love her.

After this we could find no joy in spending time together. We still needed each other, but we felt that we could not give what the other wanted. So gradually, we drifted apart. I know we will never be as close again. And I ask myself why. Why can't I love her?

Why don't we love those who deserve our affection? You know that the relationship would be perfect, only you could feel something for her. And you are unable to feel what you should. Why? We don't want what is easy and comfortable, is that so? With some women I tried to have a relationship in vain. I suffered because I was rejected. I struggled for a connection although it seemed totally hopeless. All my cravings were good for nothing, the whole thing gave nothing but problems.

And then, there's this girl. I enjoy every moment with her. I know she would gladly give up everything for me. And I still hesitate, because I can't find a way to be happy with her. I know she needs me and I need her, I know she deserves to be loved. And still, it's impossible. Why can't I love her?

There is no answer. Love is a very strange phenomenon. We love those who hurt us and make us suffer, and the one who cares for us we cannot love. Why?

There is no answer.

There is no knowing if someone really is in love or isn't when they do not show their feelings. There is a difference between lack of love and not showing your love, yet, sometimes we find it really hard to discover what the truth is. People whose love is not manifested clearly tend to be the ones who try to avoid being hurt. Yet, everyone needs a real bond ultimately because that's what we want by nature. If you act like you don't care, it may be your partner assumes love lacks there and moves on to someone who is capable of showing what they feel.

Concealing what you feel can be more hurtful to you than being open and expressing your affection in various ways, because concealment damages trust and puts the relationship under severe pressure causing your partner wonder and question the value and reason of that relationship. You don't want that, definitely. Some people, especially men, take pride in their strength of being invulnerable emotionally. However, this is exactly the way to make your partner feel unloved and unwanted. Men need to be respected in the first place, but women need to be reassured of being loved. This makes a whole world of difference.

Philip Zimbardo in his book Man Disconnected says "The emotional distance between guys is one that resides in the context of warrior societies or the fighting classes. Men will communicate to other men that they care but that there is a fine line that emotions cannot cross."

This must be the root of the problem of men being incapable of expressing their love even if they have deep feelings. There's no fine line with women, though. Women are frustrated when they try to get close to a man who constantly sabotages their effort. However painful it is to give up someone you highly esteem and want to gain appreciation from women will do it if they see no way.

In theory, it seems so simple to be open and trustful, and it does not require much effort to receive love from someone who is willing to give it to you. Yet, often it does not seem to work. And the reason must be men's difficulty in finding common ground with women due to their habit of refraining from any display of emotion, especially the kind of display women expect. Of course, there are subtle ways to express love and emotion so each of us needs to learn and recognize where there is affection and where there is none. Therefore everyone needs to make double effort to discover how things are so that you do not take steps based on your imagination. That makes love a hard game that requires skill to play and sometimes you lose and have to learn the hard way. But eventually you'll find yourself master of the game, rules understood, with a better chance at success.