There was a kiss. There was a night when she
slept beside me — we did not make love. I didn't feel uneasy, I knew she needed
me and I needed her. Not like a woman that I could have sex with — I needed no
love from her. I only needed her presence. It soothed me. I can't call her my
love, which she was not, neither the word friend is expressive of what was
between us. I felt no sexual drive, nothing like passion when we were together,
and yet, some kind of bond existed, something inexplicable. No disturbing
silence, no need to pretend you are someone else, I could be just me. It was
like I knew her for ages. The best way I can describe our relationship is that
we were soul mates.
We spent a lot of time together and eventually I
began to feel this meant something more to her. She looked at me differently.
What once was playful and easy became distressing, because I knew what she
wanted. She wanted more than I could give her. I knew I had to hurt her,
because important as she was to me, I could not love her with the kind of love
she wanted. I appreciated the moments we shared, the talks we had, but the
spark never came. She was in love with me and I struggled hard to feel the same
way. I wanted to fall in love with her. I struggled to feel that I want
no one else but her. Yet, I could not love her.
After this we could find no joy in spending time
together. We still needed each other, but we felt that we could not give what
the other wanted. So gradually, we drifted apart. I know we will never be as
close again. And I ask myself why. Why can't I love her?
Why don't we love those who deserve our
affection? You know that the relationship would be perfect, only you could feel
something for her. And you are unable to feel what you should. Why? We don't
want what is easy and comfortable, is that so? With some women I tried to have
a relationship in vain. I suffered because I was rejected. I struggled for a
connection although it seemed totally hopeless. All my cravings were good for
nothing, the whole thing gave nothing but problems.
And then, there's this girl. I enjoy every
moment with her. I know she would gladly give up everything for me. And I still
hesitate, because I can't find a way to be happy with her. I know she needs me
and I need her, I know she deserves to be loved. And still, it's impossible.
Why can't I love her?
There is no answer. Love is a very strange phenomenon.
We love those who hurt us and make us suffer, and the one who cares for us we
cannot love. Why?
There is no answer.
